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Friday, March 27, 2009

> Are you a Malay traitor?

Are you a Malaysian who is constitutionally classified as a Malay, but are unsure as to whether you are a traitor? Well, we at the Malaysian Institute of Learning Foundation for Political Research On Nationalism (MILF-PRON)[1] have prepared a set of guidelines as a primer so that you may self-determine your traitorous status. To craft this primer, we have elected to distil statements made by current and former members of the 21-year old political entity Umno (Baru).

Umno, as we know, is the last line of defence for any (far) right-thinking Malays who are concerned about their race, religion and nation. Some wits might say that in reality Umno only worries about race and ignores the other two aspects of their struggle, but one out of three is a start is what we say.

Before we begin, it is important to note that as a simultaneously pro-active and reactive research institution, MILF-PRON applies a rigorous and exacting methodology to produce a credible sociometric psychographic analysis of the statements made[2].

This then allows us to produce a precise regression-based modal transformation which is then retrofitted into set distribution models, such as the Gaussian, Pareto or Cartesian/Venn distributions to see which theory fits the data best. Out of this, we have managed to produce the Traitor Quotient Index of {0..1}, where “0” denotes a “low probability” ? “none whatsoever” and “1” denotes a “high probability” ? “absolute certainty” indication that you are a traitor.

There are various factors which we considered in order to produce the TQ but for the sake of brevity, we have approached the problem from a “big picture” angle, and have come up with 10 questions for you to answer.

In order to determine your TQ, consider the following questions below, and assign the respective coefficient factors into your overall score matrix for every question that you say “Yes” to. For every question which you disagree with (i.e. “No”), subtract the coefficient number with 1. After which, add the coefficient factors to arrive at the summation value, which then represents your non-normalised TQ. This number represents the “numerator” in the TQ formula. Since there are 10 questions, then the number “10” becomes your “denominator”. To arrive at the final TQ index, divide the numerator with the denominator. You might want to use a calculator at that point. Also, remember that the closer you are to “1”, the higher the chances that you are, in fact, a traitor to your race.

Let us begin.

1. Are you a member of the opposition, or a supporter of the opposition? If you are, then it's considered a fairly traitorous trait, and the TQ coefficient is: 0.8.

2. Following from that, do you consider the Petualang (i.e. the politician formerly known as the Leader of the Opposition) to be an upstanding, honest politician who does not engage in money politics or conspiracy theories (with or without bomohs), nor the sort of person who would engineer mass defections of lawmakers, either in Parliament or state assemblies; who champions the rule of law and the freedom of information (including for universities)? Really? Well, if you say so. Give yourself: 0.6.

3. Next, if you are a man, are you a homosexual, or if you are a woman, are you a lesbian or prefer to wear men's clothes? If yes, your TQ coefficient is: 0.7.

4. Do you regard those who consider the Internal Security Act to be one of the “rights” of the Malays (and should therefore never be challenged) to be absolute nutjobs? If yes, your TQ coefficient is: 0.75.

5. Do you object to the teaching of Science and Mathematics in English, considering it to be a threat to the Malay language and Malay identity, and would eventually erode the culture of the Malays? If yes, assign this: 0.5.

6. Do you consider those who object to the Teaching of Science and Mathematics in English to be backward-looking people who want to obstruct the progress of Malays in the sciences, and their business dealings with arms dealers in France? If yes, it's 0.5.

7. Do you feel that the decision by the Perak Ruler to deny dissolution of the state assembly and allow BN to form a new state government to be wrong? If yes, then that's bad. Derhaka bad. So: 0.95.

8. Do you dispute the existence of a social contract, and feel that the non-Malays have every right to demand equal treatment as IC carrying Malaysians? If so: 0.9.

9. Do you take to the streets, or light candles in front of police stations, whenever you disagree with an action by the government, for example, the aforementioned Perak state turnover, or the locking up of reporters who report what comes out of the mouths of BN politicians? If that's a yes: 0.7.

10. Do you consider singing the national anthem in a melodic manner at the Malaysia Cup final, or the length of flight attendants' skirts to be issues too petty to be brought up in Parliament? If so, consider throwing yourselves into the sea and assign: 0.8.

Hopefully, if you have reached this point, and have a calculator handy (the one in your phone works like a charm), you will have calculated your TQ[3]. If you find yourself with a low TQ Index, congratulations. You are not alone.

If, however, you find your TQ Index to be perilously close to 1, don't worry. You are not alone, either.

Whichever you are, we at MILF-PRON are grateful to have the opportunity to assist you in determining your traitorous inclinations and wish you well. May you find “closure” on this, as you move about in your daily lives, earning a living, caring for your family and friends, visit your parents (and avoiding your in-laws) and do all the other things that non-politicians do, regardless of race or religion.


[1] Our motto: Cogito, ergo fornicato (translation: I think, therefore I am an Italian ice-cream).

[2] In other words, we make it up as we go.

[3] If, somehow, you find the calculations difficult, fear not. We have a Science & Mathematics Centre of Excellence(S&M CoE) which can provide tuition for you. Free of charge (FoC), though terms & assurances (T&A) applies.

Yusseri Yusoff can't decide between writing words or code but he has a penchant for the obvious in Malaysia. He runs an MSC company apart from two websites, the humourous and the serious  -  The Malaysian Insider.